Aggressiveness or Assertiveness – What’s the Difference?

Aggressiveness or Assertiveness – What’s the Difference?

How to be assertive without being aggressive is an issue with which many women struggle. Assertiveness in men is highly praised. Men who act assertively are seen to be ambitious, going places, clear about their goals and objectives and are admired for all these qualities. Women who act assertively are often severely critiqued. They are “forthright” (meaning “watch out for them or they’ll crush you).  They “wear the pants” (meaning they are dominating and controlling). They are opinionated (meaning they dare to state their position confidently).They are even called “aggressive” when they are calmly and confidently expressing a point of view – but with great clarity and directness. The implication in all this is that assertive women are not “feminine”.

Knowing the difference between assertive communicating and aggressive communicating can empower women, in particular, to trust themselves and their judgments of situations and to confidently say what they want and act to have their needs met.  

AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATING	ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATING
“You” language	“I” language
Speaks for others.	Speaks for self.
Focuses on personality.	Focuses on issue.
Reactive.	Pro-active.
Intimidating and defensive position.	Empowering position.
Negative and destructive.	Positive and constructive.
Lack of respect for self and others -  abusive.	Respectful of self and others.
Body language, and/or tone and volume of voice “shouts” negativity.	Body language, and/or tone and volume of voice is positive.
Characterised by blaming, criticism, put downs, sarcasm.	Characterised by openness, affirmation and positive attitude.
Anger dominates.	Calm confidence dominates.
Irrational and immature emotions control person – tendency to be out of control.	Rational and mature person manages their emotions.
Locus of control is external.	Locus of control is internal.
Self – rights and needs – come first before the other person.	Self – rights and needs – are equal with the other person.
Low self-esteem and self-confidence and fear prevail.	High self-esteem and self-confidence prevail.
Resolves nothing and makes situations worse.	Resolves and improves situations.
Creates stress and tension.	Reduces stress and tension.
“Should”, “ought”, “have to” and “must” tend to predominate in talk because of a need to control.	“Want to” and “need to” are predominant in talk because it is important to the growth and development of the people involved.
Creates bullies who feel they have to win and have victims who lose, who want win/lose outcomes.	Creates self-confident people who want to empower others, who want win/win outcomes.