Being Assertive – Some Skills and Strategies for Empowering Ourselves.

Being Assertive – Some Skills and Strategies for Empowering Ourselves. 

Assertiveness is not a personality trait. It is a skill to be learnt and practised. There are many skills and strategies for becoming more assertive. Below is a small smorgasbord of ideas. 

The Right Attitude and Mind-set. 

This is the most important “skill” to bring to becoming assertive. We bring a positive, respectful and constructive attitude to the relationship. We are not out to fight for what we want and need, to prove anyone wrong, to create a win/lose situation, to defend our territory or to blame and criticise. Without the right attitude and mind-set discussed above, supposed “assertiveness” is actually psychologically abusive and manipulative. 

Broken Record Technique. 

Sometimes even when we do everything we have talked about above, the people with whom we are trying to be assertive do not accept our position and attempt to engage us in discussion in order to get us to do what they want us to do. This is where the broken record technique can be very useful. 

Being very clear about our position, and having “reduced” it to a few short sentences, we need to stay focussed on our position and what we want to achieve. 

We don’t engage in any discussion or debate with the person about their position – even if provoked, challenged, threatened or complimented. 

We listen respectfully to what the person is saying. We recognise that it is his/her position and that we are entitled to a different position. We don’t waver from what we have said previously or what we want to achieve. 

When the person stops, we say again what we said initially, maybe with a few (and only a few!) words preamble, e.g., I understand what you are saying, but it is important that this action be taken.  

If the person then goes on again trying to change our position, we do the same thing again - listen respectfully and then repeat our position, e.g., I appreciate the impact of this decision on you, but we do need to go ahead with this. 

We keep on doing this as long as the person wants to keep trying to change our position – like a broken record. What happens is that the person gets a very clear and consistent and message from us that is presented confidently and maturely. This is very powerful and empowering.  

Giving the Bottom Line First. 

A manager needs to tell a team that their funding is being cut.

I regret having to tell you this but we are going to have to cut the funding to your program.

Reasons, explanations and details of the repercussions can follow. The broken record technique may need to be used here when there is no room for a reversal of the decision. While people may not like what has been said, if it is said assertively, following the principles above, the assertive person will usually be respected. The directness, transparency and respectfulness of the assertive person is appreciated. 

This approach is far better than that used by the person who talks at great length, trying to be gentle and then breaks the news with sledge hammer force at the end. People often feel less trusting of someone who works this way. 

Value Ourselves and Our Judgments about Situations. 

Not I’m sorry to bother you but could I talk with you for a minute about this project.

But I would like to talk with you sometime about this project. I need at least half an hour. Is now a good time? 

Not I’m not sure whether this is of any importance, I’m really not much good at judging these things and I could be wrong, and I know you are very busy and I don’t want to waste your time, but………

But When you have time could you look at this document. I feel it is important to the project on which we are working. 

What do you do at Gamec Financial Services, Margo?

Not Oh, I’m just the receptionist.

But I’m in administration. I’m the first person people speak to when they either telephone or call into our office. 

Not I don’t think they would want me for the job. It would be a waste of my time applying. I only have some of the qualifications they are looking for.

But I’m going to try for that job. I don’t have the formal qualifications they want, but I have considerable experience. I know I could do it and I’m prepared to get the qualifications. 

State Things Clearly Rather than Ask Questions. 

Many people (usually women) in management positions weaken or water down their ideas and thoughts by turning them into questions, by way of trying to be collaborative and collegial in their management style. They come across, however, as indecisive and lacking confidence in what they are saying. They are also perceived often to not have the conviction to carry their ideas through to concrete outcomes. 

Not Do you think it would be a good idea to bring those two groups together?But I would like to see those two groups brought together.

This person is assertively stating the bottom line first and then remaining open to hearing people’s opinions.  

Have a Fall Back Position. 

This is our Plan B, just as carefully thought through and clarified as Plan A. It allows us to achieve what we want to achieve, to look after ourselves and our needs, yet look after those of the other person as well. 

I am not able to stay behind and do the report tonight but I could be here an hour earlier than normal in the morning. 

I cannot meet tomorrow, but I could meet on Friday afternoon. 

I am not prepared to support that proposal, but I am willing to sit down with you and look at alternatives.  

Learn Some Very Usable Assertive Phrases. 

These can be used to clarify, bring preciseness, prevent manipulation and to show self-confidence and conviction. 

In other words, you………

Let me get this clear………

So you felt that……..

So you believe that…….

What I hear you saying is………Am I hearing you correctly. 

Start Practising. 

Given that assertive training courses often run for six to ten weeks of two hour sessions, what has been presented here is nothing more than an overview. If people want to learn to be more assertive, but, for whatever reason, cannot do a course or work with a coach, here is another approach. 

Form a small group – three to four people. Make a commitment to meet together once a week for one hour for ten weeks to develop assertiveness, that is, to empower yourselves to have your needs met in your workplace in such a way that you will be able to grow both personally and professionally.  

Determine the areas of greatest need for yourself. Where do you feel you are compromising your growth and development by not being assertive? Work on those areas.  

Use your small group as a sounding board, a support network and a group that will keep you accountable for your actions. It can also be a place to celebrate your achievements and success!