This May 2007 issue of our newsletter is a special issue on Assertiveness at Work. Featured in this issue is:

• Becoming Assertive at Work
• Aggressiveness or Assertiveness – What’s the Difference?
• Being Assertive – Some Skills and Strategies

Twelve months ago I conducted a workshop on assertiveness in the workplace. Twenty-nine women and three men took part – or should I say registered. The three men left at morning tea! The majority of the women found the workshop very helpful. I made some attempts to contact the men for some feed-back, without success. It made me wonder, however, if assertiveness is a female animal!

Thinking back through my coaching experience, however, I recalled many men who were extremely stressed because they were not able to be assertive about their work-loads and working conditions. I don’t recall any of the many men I have worked with through these situations, however, ever talking about wanting to be more assertive. I wondered why. I still do. Yet women talk about it all the time. They recognise that it is a skill that is very important to success and happiness in both their personal and professional lives.

I also recalled the early days in the 1980s of the Men’s Anger Management Programs where men were taught to express in “constructive” ways what they were feeling rather than being angry and verbally and physically abusive. It really was about teaching them to be assertive, although the word was never used. What often happened at that time, however, was that some men “discovered” that the psychological strategies they were taught were far more powerful “weapons” than their anger or verbal and physical abuse in controlling their spouses. 

This highlights one of the greatest concerns I have about assertiveness training. There is a risk that it provides people with a raft of psychological strategies that are used to manipulate others. Any assertiveness training program that does not teach right attitudes to assertiveness, as talked about below, will not produce truly assertive people.

Maree Harris

Becoming Assertive at Work

How many times do we experience situations at work that frustrate, annoy, disturb or concern us but we do nothing about them? How many times do we see examples of discrimination and unfair treatment of employees by managers or other employees but we say nothing? What about the many times we complain about someone behind their back but never talk with them directly in an attempt to try and resolve the difficulty? How often do we agree to do something we really don’t want to do, and immediately afterwards feel annoyed – with ourselves – because we didn’t say “no”? How many of us lament that we don’t know how to say “no” without offending people? How often do we start off being very clear and get talked into something we don’t want to do?

If only we knew how to be assertive!

Assertiveness is the ability to have our needs met by clearly saying and doing what we want to say and do, without aggression, sarcasm or manipulation, respecting ourselves and others in the process. It is not a personality trait. We are not necessarily assertive 24/7. It is a skill to be learnt and used appropriately. Here are some helpful starting points.

What is it about this situation that concerns us? What do we want to change about it? Why do we need it changed? Think in terms of the issue, not the personality of the person. Unless we have well-developed skills in assertiveness, we probably won’t do this on the spot. We will go away and reflect on the situation, work out a constructive response and later act on it.

This is about being open to the other person’s needs also. It’s often about meeting someone half way.  It’s not about giving in – again – to the other person’s needs.  Later we’ll give examples of how we lose focus and what we can do about it.

3. Speak and Act in an Emotionally Mature Way.

What generally prevents us from being assertive is emotion, what we are feeling about the particular situation. We need to step back from that, but we don’t need to be cold and hard. That can tend towards aggression. What we need to do is to bring emotional intelligence or emotional maturity to the situation.

4. Take Responsibility  For, and Own, What We Say and Do.

Assertiveness requires that we use “I” statements. We don’t use “you” statements, or even “we” statements. We are clear about why we want to change this situation and we are trusting our judgment about it. We believe that the change needs to be effected. We are prepared to take responsibility for trying to make that happen.

5. Relate Respectfully with the Other Person.

Being assertive is about respecting ourselves and putting value on what we think and feel. It is also about respecting the other and listening to what they think and feel also. Our respective positions are of equal value. There is no room for blame, criticism, sarcasm, put downs or attacks on another’s personality in assertive relating.

6. Be Confident in What We Say and Do and How We Say and Do It.

This is why we have to have clarity if we want to be assertive. Volume and tone of voice and body language need to express confidence as well as words.  The higher our self-esteem and level of self-awareness the better we will be at assertive relating.

7. Be Short and To the Point.

Aggressiveness or Assertiveness – What’s the Difference?

How to be assertive without being aggressive is an issue with which many women struggle. Assertiveness in men is highly praised. Men who act assertively are seen to be ambitious, going places, clear about their goals and objectives and are admired for all these qualities. Women who act assertively are often severely critiqued. They are “forthright” (meaning “watch out for them or they’ll crush you).  They “wear the pants” (meaning they are dominating and controlling). They are opinionated (meaning they dare to state their position confidently).They are even called “aggressive” when they are calmly and confidently expressing a point of view – but with great clarity and directness. The implication in all this is that assertive women are not “feminine”.

Being Assertive – Some Skills and Strategies

As has been said above, assertiveness is not a personality trait. It is a skill to be learnt and practised. There are many skills and strategies for becoming more assertive. Below is a small smorgasbord of ideas.

The Right Attitude and Mind-set.

This is the most important “skill” to bring to becoming assertive. We bring a positive, respectful and constructive attitude to the relationship. We are not out to fight for what we want and need, to prove anyone wrong, to create a win/lose situation, to defend our territory or to blame and criticise. Without the right attitude and mind-set discussed above, supposed “assertiveness” is actually psychologically abusive and manipulative.

Broken Record Technique.

Sometimes even when we do everything we have talked about above, the people with whom we are trying to be assertive do not accept our position and attempt to engage us in discussion in order to get us to do what they want us to do. This is where the broken record technique can be very useful.

Being very clear about our position, and having “reduced” it to a few short sentences, we need to stay focussed on our position and what we want to achieve.

We don’t engage in any discussion or debate with the person about their position – even if provoked, challenged, threatened or complimented.

We listen respectfully to what the person is saying. We recognise that it is his/her position and that we are entitled to a different position. We don’t waver from what we have said previously or what we want to achieve.

When the person stops, we say again what we said initially, maybe with a few (and only a few!) words preamble, e.g., I understand what you are saying, but it is important that this action be taken.

If the person then goes on again trying to change our position, we do the same thing again - listen respectfully and then repeat our position, e.g., I appreciate the impact of this decision on you, but we do need to go ahead with this.

We keep on doing this as long as the person wants to keep trying to change our position – like a broken record. What happens is that the person gets a very clear and consistent and message from us that is presented confidently and maturely. This is very powerful and empowering.

Giving the Bottom Line First.

A manager needs to tell a team that their funding is being cut.

I regret having to tell you this but we are going to have to cut the funding to your program.

Reasons, explanations and details of the repercussions can follow. The broken record technique may need to be used here when there is no room for a reversal of the decision. While people may not like what has been said, if it is said assertively, following the principles above, the assertive person will usually be respected. The directness, transparency and respectfulness of the assertive person is appreciated.

This approach is far better than that used by the person who talks at great length, trying to be gentle and then breaks the news with sledge hammer force at the end. People often feel less trusting of someone who works this way.

Value Ourselves and Our Judgments about Situations.

Not I’m sorry to bother you but could I talk with you for a minute about this project.
But I would like to talk with you sometime about this project. I need at least half an hour. Is now a good time?

Not I’m not sure whether this is of any importance, I’m really not much good at judging these things and I could be wrong, and I know you are very busy and I don’t want to waste your time, but………
But When you have time could you look at this document. I feel it is important to the project on which we are working.

What do you do at Gamec Financial Services, Margo?
Not Oh, I’m just the receptionist.
But I’m in administration. I’m the first person people speak to when they either telephone or call into our organisation.

Not I don’t think they would want me for the job. It would be a waste of my time applying. I only have some of the qualifications they are looking for.
But I’m going to try for that job. I don’t have the formal qualifications they want, but I have considerable experience. I know I could do it and I’m prepared to get the qualifications.

State Things Clearly Rather than Ask Questions.

Many people (particularly women) in management positions weaken or water down their ideas and thoughts by turning them into questions, by way of trying to be collaborative and collegial in their management style. They come across, however, as indecisive and lacking confidence in what they are saying. They are also perceived often to not have the conviction to carry their ideas through to concrete outcomes.

Not Do you think it would be a good idea to bring those two groups together?
But I would like to see those two groups brought together. This person is assertively stating the bottom line first and then remaining open to hearing people’s opinions.

Have a Fall Back Position.

This is our Plan B, just as carefully thought through and clarified as Plan A. It allows us to achieve what we want to achieve, to look after ourselves and our needs, yet look after those of the other person as well.

I am not able to stay behind and do the report tonight but I could be here an hour earlier than normal in the morning.
I cannot meet tomorrow, but I could meet on Friday afternoon.
I am not prepared to support that proposal, but I am willing to sit down with you and look at alternatives.

Learn Some Very Usable Assertive Phrases.

These can be used to clarify, bring preciseness, prevent manipulation and to show self-confidence and conviction.

In other words, you………
Let me get this clear………
So you felt that……..
So you believe that…….
What I hear you saying is………Am I hearing you correctly?
If I understand you correctly, you are wanting to……..

Start Practicing.

Given that assertive training courses often run for six to ten weeks of two hour sessions, what has been presented here is nothing more than an overview. If people want to learn to be more assertive, but, for whatever reason, cannot do a course or work with a coach, here is another approach.

Form a small group – three to four people. Make a commitment to meet together once a week for one hour for ten weeks to develop assertiveness, that is, to empower yourselves to have your needs met in your workplace in such a way that you will be able to grow both personally and professionally.

Determine the areas of greatest need for yourself. Where do you feel you are compromising your growth and development by not being assertive? Work on those areas.

Use your small group as a sounding board, a support network and a group that will keep you accountable  for your actions. It can also be a place to celebrate your achievements and success!

Copyright © People Empowered-Maree Harris 2007
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